FLASH FICTION FRIDAY: “Something’s Watching”


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I stopped for the night next to a roadside park, and went for a jog in the cool damp spring air.
Darkness fell quickly forming deep shadows, the feeling of someone at my shoulder returned like a blow.
I rounded a curve in the path and stopped.
No way, was I going into that abyss.
The tunnel seemed to leer at my cowardice. I walked forward, fear sweat forming on my skin.
My stomach cramped.
There, in the dark, were the eyes golden and luminous.
Behind me, a clattering of claws on cement!
I ran, not to the tunnel, but, the hill around it. The road above my target.
I went down; once, twice sure death had me in it’s grasp.
The smell of torn grass and churned earth an assault on my senses!
Finally, I gained the road and spun.

Nothing.

A bird called from the night as if laughing at me.

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Categories: Flash Fiction Friday | 36 Comments

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36 thoughts on “FLASH FICTION FRIDAY: “Something’s Watching”

  1. Amanda, nicely done. I like that you brought me inside, created a visceral response, made me experience it with you. Keep posting!

  2. in the very beginning, “i stopped for the night…” does that mean like camping? stopped for the night usually means where you’re going to sleep. a motel? traveling?

  3. Thanks for the explanation. A very intriguing protagonist. Want to read more. Here’s mine: http://furiousfictions.com.

  4. Nicely done. I felt the movement and the fear, and in the end, relief. Welcome to the group.
    Here’s mine: http://wp.me/p1Tjpv-a5

  5. Dear Amanda,

    Welcome aboard. I hope you like what you find here each Friday.

    Something watches was compelling reading and a look deeper into the psyche of humans in general. We’re not to far removed from prey and you captured the slow build to sudden adrenaline rush. The flight of ‘fight or flight’ is usually the first response to a threat, provided there is a place to run. It will be interesting to read your take on ‘fight.’

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/bermuda-triangle-summer/

    • Thanks So far my character has been in a reactive stage But things are about to change I really am looking for ways To properly describe that need to attack something I hope I am up to the task. Thank you for the review.

  6. Gabriel

    Very nicely done hun!! Keep up the good work..

    Gaberazzi

  7. Lora Mitchell

    Hi Amanda: Welcome to FridayFIctioneers. Come and enjoy the ride with us. You will meet some interesting, creative people. Well done on your first story. Btw, that cat in your profile pic? A twin to my Bambi. Here’s mine:
    http://www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com

  8. I liked this, you captured a variety of senses here. I particularly liked the bit about ‘torn grass and churned earth’. Well done.

    Mine’s at: http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/a-place-to-die-for-friday-fictioneers-13-april-2012/#comment-1199

  9. The breathless syntax works well in depicting the onsetting panic, and I quite liked the idea of the bird seemingly laughing at the MC.

    http://garybaileywriting.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/134/

  10. I liked that you evoked the sense of smell towards the end, but much in general, I felt that you made very good wordings, that evoked some sense of emotion. I thought you could’ve paragraphed more artfully, though.

    http://littlewonder2.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/friday-fictioneers-halfway-bridge/

  11. This is a breathless and unnerving piece and even though you give us relief at the end, i can still feel the character’s fear as he runs. I think you could use a little more punctuation – although you’re looking for a rapid and tripping style, I got confused a few times by the words running into each other and I think you could give the same sense of tumbling with a little more clarity.
    But maybe if you did, it would lose the pace. I don’t know, try it and feel free to disagree with me, as ever!
    I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/friday-fiction-the-tunnel/

    • Thank you for this helpful comment. I actually am in complete agreement with you. I am having trouble with paragraph structure and punctuation in a way as to retain emotion. This is a definite skill I am working to learn.

      • Keep working on it, Amanda. I am a firm believer in practise making perfect. And in reading aloud – especially if you can find someone willing to listen. They can help you pick up the places where you stumbled and generally those are the places where either the wording or the punctuation needs attention.
        I’m very much still learning too, so best of luck!

  12. Very nicely done. Drew me in with all that lovely description. Looking forward to more.

    Mine’s here
    http://tollykitsjourney.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/flash-fiction-story-1-for-fridayfictioneers/

  13. I liked this Amanda. Hope to hear more from you.
    By the way, I like the cat at the top of your blog.

  14. You create a sense of tension right away that stays with me until the bird’s song. I enjoyed it.

    Mine is here: http://erinleary.wordpress.com/2012/04/13/flash-friday-fiction-2/

  15. Good story. Glad you decided to join in. I enjoy the challenge of keeping mine at exactly 100 words.
    Mine: http://shirleymccann.blogspot.com/2012/04/nightmare.html

  16. You drew me right in with this 🙂

  17. Ah… the imagination… I liked the ending.

  18. Very descriptive; painted a picture. Well done! =)

  19. Madison Woods

    I’ve had nightmares like that before! Glad you joined us and sorry it takes me so long to get around to reading everyone 🙂 Hope to see you again this weekend. Picture will post tomorrow, once I decide which one to use…

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